Snakebite
by Shinigami no Kamikaze
Summary: Really strange thing I wrote after having some spiked punch... it's focused on Duo (I think..) and includes 2 songs.. A depressed Duo gets bitten by a snake and goes a little trippy on us... shonen ai, cussing, angst


SnK:It was spiked!!  
Kilik:Shinigami no Kamikaze does not own Gundam Wing, a sense of morality, the lyrics to the song "Voodoo" by Godsmack, the lyrics to the song "Judith" by a Perfect Circle... but she does have a hangover. Want that?  
Hwoarang:What was spiked?  
SnK:I was at a freaking party for my 10 year old cousins birthday, but the punch was frikkin' spiked! I know who did it, too.  
Hwoarang:Didn't you realise when you tasted the alcohol?  
SnK:Sure, but I didn't know just how spiked it was! I had only one cup!  
Hwoarang:*sighs* You need to build some resistance to alcohol, girl.  
SnK:Anyway, that's why you all get this hella strange fic written while I was drunk.... maybe there was more than alcohol in that punch (I wouldn't be surprized...)  
Kilik:A friendly reminder, this fic contains some yaoi (1x2), insane ramblings (lots of those), cussing, angst, some bastardation of Hilde, lack of continuity, and yea...   
SnK: WARNING... I would leave now if you are an easily offened Christian (if you know the lyrics to Judith, then you know why I'm saying this). Plus I say a thing or two about Duo's past, and since all I know of Duo's past I picked up in fanfiction, there might be some things wrong, just bare with me... also, to understand this fic, you must first eat your own weight in peyote.   
  
  
Snakebite  
by Shinigami no Kamikaze  
  
  
//Candles raise my desire,  
Why I'm so far away//  
  
Duo passed by the shop. It looked like one of those psychic places, only more.. he wasn't sure of the correct term... more voodoo-y. There were African style decorations on the outside, and a advertisment in the window proclaimed that they could help you "find your true self".  
  
//No more meaning to my life,  
No more reason to stay//  
  
Duo didn't think he had a true self. All he was was one big lie.  
  
He'd kept himself going by living a lie. He pretended like someone cared. No one did, he knew that now....  
  
Hilde had really only loved his body. She had tried thowing herself at him time and time and again during their short time spent together with their business and shared apartment. He finally sat down with her and told her the conclusion he'd only recently come by.  
  
He loved Heero Yuy.  
  
That minute she started packing, screaming things like "Faggot" at him. The next day she was gone, and he hadn't heard from her since.  
  
As for loving Heero Yuy, he'd have more success trying to have his love returned by a toaster oven. He knew Heero had feelings.. he wouldn't have fallen so helplessly in love with him unless he knew a thing or two about the boy. But since he'd seemed more concerned about Relena during the war, and now was no where to be found after the fighting was finished, he knew he had no chance with him... he never had.  
  
As for the others, Quatre, Trowa and Wufei... Wufei loved his work and nothing but, and Trowa and Quatre were too much involved in eachother to care about a streetrat like him. Not that he was worth caring about.  
  
He was nothing. He hadn't always been, but each person he'd loved who'd died around him stole a piece of him and took it with them to their grave. After his childhood, the little remaining was taken by the people who he'd helped to the grave. He'd given himself up to protect the colonies, to keep them out of the war... so he could stop the same thing from happening to some other helpless kid.  
  
What had kept him going was Heero. He'd realized that much by now. He could get back all he'd lost when the Japanese boy was around. -Truely- get it back... he'd turned acting like himself into an artform. There were things about Heero he just couldn't explain that filled all the empty spots inside him... but now...  
  
The void where his soul should have been hurt so much...  
  
With no war, with no futher need of his skills, which were all his hollow body now held... he didn't want to go on. Every day he felt the pain. He wanted the pain in him to end. And if he should die and go to Hell, at least he would get what he deserved. He kept living because he had no desire to kill himself. His only desire was to disappear, and feel nothing.  
  
//Freezing Feeling,  
Breathe in, Breathe in//  
  
Heero sat alone in his apartment, at his laptop. He hadn't used it since Wing Zero had been destroyed. But now he used it to find out where Duo was. He had a bad feeling, like a hand of ice wrapped itself around his heart... something terrible was going to happen to Duo, he knew it.  
  
He had no right to interfere in Duo's life. He was happy where he was... arms around that homophobic little bitch, Hilde.  
  
Hilde had treated him like he was sub-human when she learned for his feelings for Duo in a most embarassing way. Damnable spandex hid nothing. That's when he'd started to wear jeans...  
  
Feelings were horrible things, no wonder Dr. J had tried to drive them out of him. His heart ached whenever he saw anything that even remotely reminded him of Duo, or whenever he had a moment left to himself to think.  
  
But he wanted Duo to be happy, and not lose that joyful spark he'd managed to keep throughout the war. If Hilde kept that spark alive, then he would not destroy it by selfishly taking Duo for his own.  
  
But, if Duo was in danger, nothing would stop him from intervening.  
  
//I'm coming back again//  
  
Duo stopped outside the shop for the sixth time this past week. Find your true self, huh? Well, it was worth a shot... maybe at least it would prove to be a distraction from the unending torture that was his life.  
  
He walked in, and was somewhat surprized to see a caucasian woman at the desk. Probably just using the African elements to draw people in. Whatever. He could care less.  
  
She was dressed nicely, not at all like the stereotypical fortuneteller or psychic. As he approched the desk she smiled, and asked him politely what he wanted. After mentioning the ad outside, she told him that he'd be charged $500 dollars and he had to sign a waver. Once he'd paid and signed, she told him to follow her and lead him into a room in the back.  
  
She then explained how they were going to have a poisonous (but sacred and holy) snake bite him. Then he would have a vision ('a pretty term for hallucination' Duo thought to himself), and he'd know what he'd come looking for. Then she assured him that before the snake's venom did any harm, the antivenin would be administered to him by certified technicans. Duo didn't mention that he couldn't care less if they gave him the antivenin or not.  
  
The whole scam ... er.. process sounded like it was a way for people to get high and not arrested. But since he'd already paid, he might as well.. couldn't be any worse than his life already was.  
  
So, he stuck his arm into the cage that she told him to.  
  
//I'm not the one who's so far away, when I feel the snakebite enter my veins//  
  
He felt the snake's fangs puncture his skin and winced. When he pulled his arm out, he found himself facinated by the way the light reflected of the droplets of blood coming from the wound. He didn't even notice two other men had eneter the room until they caught him when he fell. The woman told him they'd take him to a place where he could have his vision in peace, and then he blacked out.  
  
//Never did I want to be here again.//  
  
Duo blinked, and found himself back on the streets of his L2 colony. So many painful memories of this place... they all surfaced in his mind as he reconized his particular alley from his childhood.  
  
//And I don't remember why I came.//  
  
Why was he here? He didn't want to relive these memories again! He'd done that enough in his lifetime. No matter how hard he tried to let go, his past always haunted him, and it looked like now would be no exception. He raced from the alleyway, looking for anyway out of this ... experience.  
  
//Hazing clouds rain on my head,  
Empty thoughts fill my ears//  
  
The landscape didn't seem quite right... it took a minute for his mind to notice that it appeared as if the landscape was... melting. The sky above swirled in different shades of red, in a way that Duo had never seen the likes of before. He looked started forward again, when his peripheral vision caught a glance of his arm. It was grey. Turning toward a building, Duo caught his reflection in a deformed window and saw he was completely in black and white. While this alarmed him, he didn't quite know why.  
  
But, the longer he stayed in this surreal landscape, the more natural it seemed to him. The absense of all other life... red bricks that started to lose their shape like ice placed in heat did not seem strange at all. Hadn't it always been that way?  
  
Duo's attention span seemed to shorten. One second, the dripping of a green neon sign into a puddle on the ground captivated him, the next second his eyes were drawn to a leaf flying upwards towards the white moon.  
  
The fact that there was a moon inside what was supposed to be a colony did not phase Duo one bit. He shivered... damn moon. He still thought it looked like a graveyard.  
  
//Find my shade by the moonlight//  
  
Then he noticed a figure sitting in a beam of light coming down from the moon, illuminating him as if the moon were a stagelight for some theater. He walked closer, and he noticed, with some shock, that it was an exact duplicate of him... only in color, and having a translucent quality to him.   
  
His alternate looked up at Duo, and give a sinster little smile, "Hey there, old buddy."  
  
Duo looked at blankly, not knowing what to say. This just caused his double smiles to widen. "Confused, huh? Fine.. you don't even have to ask, o high and mighty Consciousness. I'll explain."  
  
The doppelganger stood, and started to circle Duo, examining him. Duo watched him intently... he was nervous. He didn't like the look of this other self.  
  
"Do you remember how you got here?" the translucent Duo said, finally stopping his inspection of his black and white counterpart.  
  
"No....." He didn't even know where 'here' was, although he didn't feel out of place 'here'. The other Duo shook his head, looking somewhat disgusted.  
  
"Figures. Well, that isn't important just yet. You can call me your shade, Duo. I'm you, but only part of you.. maybe even half of you. I've lived here, and places like here all my life... which is why I'll be guiding you."  
  
"Guiding me through what?"  
  
His shade sighed. "You should know, you're the one who wanted this."  
  
At the completely lost look on Duo's face, his shade shook his head once more. Was this idiot really Duo's Consciousness? He never thought he was so stupid. He started to wonder if they'd run into Duo's Intelligence anywhere, so he could get the poor boy a clue!  
  
"Well, no time to waste, since that venom is still working it's way through you..."  
  
"Venom...?"  
  
"Oh, I forgot that you forgot. Just come on." With another smile, this one not seeming as dark as the first, yet threating still, he grabbed Duo's hand and started to take off running down the street with him, Duo not far behind. When Duo realized where they were heading, though, he tried to pull back. All around him the scenery was going from surreal to real, the buildings straighing themselves up, the sky returning to they way it should be. Duo tried to break his shade's grip on him, but it was like they were connected. His shade finally let go when they were at the door of the Maxwell Church, the way it looked before it was destroyed.  
  
"Come on then." His shade ran up the few steps to the door and looked back at Duo, who was still in black and white. He put his hand on his hips in annoyance when he noted the look of a deer caught in headlights on Duo's face. "Not afraid of a little reminiscing, are we? Get your ass up here!" When Duo continued to stay where he was, paralyzed, his shade grumbled, jump down of the steps, grabbed Duo by the hand, and dragged him forcibly in.  
  
Everything was normal inside the church. Everything was as it should be. Duo blinked, for the first time since he'd seen the place from the outside, and his shade grinned, "Not so bad, huh?"  
  
The shade then had Duo sit down on a pew near the front of the church. "Now don't you move, or you won't like what happens." Duo looked up at his shade... he was threating him? why?  
  
"Don't say I didn't warn ya!" His shade then bounded up to the first person (well, other then his shade... but since his shade claimed to be him, too, he didn't really count) Duo had seen since this experience started, Father Maxwell. Duo went to get up to go to them, but suddenly found himself restrained by bent wires that kept him firmly planted in place. His shade, who'd been looking down at Father Maxwell who was on his knees in prayer, looked up at him. "You have the memory of a goldfish, don't you? What did I just say?"  
  
Before Duo could say anything, Father Maxwell stood and looked up at the large crucifix above the altar, completely ignoring Duo's shade. Then Duo found he couldn't say anything, though his mouth opened and made the motions, no sound could be heard. He looked at his shade questionably. The shade simply said, "So you won't interrupt."  
  
Then the shade stood right next to Father Maxwell, but with his back turned on the priest, and begun to sing softly, "Oh, so many ways for me to show you how your savior has abandoned you...." Then suddenly, he whipped around, face a mask of rage, and he screamed "FUCK YOUR GOD!!!!"  
  
The his shade calmed somewhat, but still sang, anger in his eyes, "Your Lord... your Christ.." Just as suddenly as the shade's outburst, the scenery changed to immediately after the attack, flames still burning. The only thing that remained the same was the pew Duo was tied to, helpless to do anything, unable to help once again.... his shade continued to sign, heedless of the tears in Duo's eyes.  
"He did this!"  
  
The shade ran up to where Father Maxwell now was.. where his body was, at least, by the front doors. The stench of burnt flesh hung heavy in the air, while the shade knelt by the barely reconisible body. Still he was singing, screaming, "He took all you had, and left you this way!!" Then his voice returned to a normal volume as he continued, "Still you pray, never stray, never taste of the fruit, never thought to question why..."  
  
"It's not like you killed someone.... It's not like you drove a hateful spear into His side," The shade Duo threw his hands up into the air, and looked up, "Praise the one who left you broken down and paralysed!" He let his hands fall limply back to his sides murmering, "He did it all for you..." He took a last look at the pitiful remains of the priest, and looked back at a terribly disturbed Duo on the verge of tears.. the shade simply repeated, "He did it all for you..."  
  
Then the shade bounded over to where Sister Helen's remains were, hands still locked in prayer, and the shade continued the song, singing softly once more, "Oh, so many ways for me to show you how your dogma has abandoned you..."  
  
Again, rage consumed the shade of Duo, and once more he started to scream his words, "Pray to your Christ, to your God!! Never taste of the fruit... never stray, never break, never CHOKE ON A LIE!" With the last outburst, the shade's voice lowered somewhat, "Even though He's the one who DID THIS TO YOU! You never thought to question why!" The shade looked up at the broken image of Jesus on the cross and to began to walk toward it.  
  
"It's not like you killed someone... It's not like you drove a spiteful spear into His side..." The shade reached it's destination, then spun around to face the body of the nun, and this time Duo noticed there were tears in his eyes, too. He cried out, while he pointed to the broken figure of the savior "Talk to Jesus Christ as if he knows the reasons why!" Then the shade fell to his knees, and the wires released Duo as he whispered, "He did it all for you... He did it all for you... He did it all for you!!!"  
  
Duo was in shock... the wires were completely gone now, as if they never were, and he stood, and simply watched as his shade walked up to the body of Father Maxwell once more. Then he heard him say, "You always said God did everything for a reason... you always said God had a plan... well forgive me if I don't feel like patting God on the back for his big fuckin' wonderful plan!!!", tears streaming down his face. The shade fell on his knees there, and that's when Duo snapped outof the trance he was in.   
  
He run up to his shade. He wasn't sure what to do, mainly because he felt like shit and wanted to cry as well. But, by some miracle, he stayed collected and knelt next to his doppelganger. "Why did you do that if it hurts you so much...?"  
  
"Because it's consumned your thoughts for so long it's bound to end up here!" The shade took a deep breath before continuing, "You hate us, you think that we're worth nothing, and that we should pay for all we've done. Now we're both trapped here 'til we die! And thanks to you, that will be soon enough..."  
  
Duo decided now wasn't the time to be asking questions, so hesitantly put his arms around the shaking figure, and was startled when his shade threw himself into the embrace, sobbing, "Why do you want us to die? It's against my nature to want to die... why do you want us to die..?"  
  
Duo rubbed his back soothingly and waited for the shade to calm down while he thought honestly about the question. Why did he want to die? Because there was nothing left but the pain of everything that had happened to him during his short lifespan. No one cared, not that anyone ever had.. but now that the war was over he wasn't needed by anyone. So, why should he suffer life anymore? When the shade stopped crying, Duo asked softly, "What are you, exactly...? Where is this place..?"  
  
Duo's shade looked up at him, sniffed a little, and pushed him gently away so he sat alone. " 'Member how I said I was a part of you, and had lived in places like that twisted L2 we were at awhile ago...?" At Duo's nod the shade continued, "You're Duo's Consciousness... you're the finished product when everything that makes you you is put together... While I exist here, outside of you, I'm in you right now, too... Memories, intelligence, reason, morals... they're all different parts of you. I'm your subconscious.. well, the voice and embodiment of your subconscious, anyway. Where we started out, where I exist, is a part of me and together we are your subconscious."  
  
At the dumbfounded look on Duo's face, Duo's subconscious continued, "Yea, it's weird, I know. I, as your subconscious, am also made up of different things. I've got clairvoyance... i.e. your 6th sense... so whenever you know something, when there is no reasonable explaination for you knowing it, chances are it's me... I'm your intuit. I've got some ability to see into the future. Sometimes I let you in on it in your dreams, or you get that sence of dread before something shitty happens and the hairs on your neck raise. I've also got your basic instincts... which is why you gag when there's something stuck in your throat.. and it's why it's against my nature to want to die..." his subconscious tilted his head a little, "Which is why I can't understand why you want to die, and I never will... it's also why I'm trying to stop you from slipping into darkness by creating this world for you to interact with, but the first thing I came up with was residual from everything you've been thinking about recently, so it turned out to be this horrible nightmare!"  
  
"You keep on talking like I'm-- we're dying..." Duo wouldn't mind that. He had his fill of life. There was only going to be pain in store for him if he continued.  
  
"We are. You don't remember because the venom has affected you. I have complete access to all of your memory, everything you have ever witnessed... I even remember your real name and parents..." Duo's subconscious saw that longing in Duo's eyes. He sighed, "We'll get to it... but as I was saying, I remember what you did. While you were depressed, you saw a place that offered to let you find yourself. You wanted to see if you were truely as hateful a person as you believe yourself to be..."  
  
"So you went inside. Their means of making you discover yourself was to get bitten by a deadly snake so that in your fevered and dying state something like this.. they called it a vision.. would occur. They said they'd give you an antivenin before any serious harm was done... so, not really caring whether they gave you the antivenin or not, you let the snake bite you... then you lost consciousness..."  
  
Duo wondered why he was so worried, then. It sounded like he didn't try to commit suicide, and that they were going to be fine (much to Duo's disappointment... he'd take Hell or oblivion over life). The translucent Duo continued to explain.. "Remember how I just told you I could see into the future, Duo?" At Duo's affrimative nod, he said, "Well, if what I see is true, then person who's giving out the antivenin reconizes you, and doesn't like you... fromer OZ officer.. We saw him once during the war... He hates you enough to kill you by denying you the shot. So, we die in the back room of a little run down shop 5 blocks away from your home, Duo. You should be happy... you wanted us dead. You're not the type to actually go out and commit suicide just because of depression. No... you'd've driven yourself insane before you'd let that happen." His subconscious smiled weakly at him, "So, are you pleased? ...no, don't even answer. I know you are, even if you won't admit it to yourself."  
  
His subconscious stood up, and the scenery changed... changed to that room where an OZ officer told him he'd be executed to unite the feelings of the colonies. In fact, there he was being held down by OZ soldiers in front of the desk of that very OZ officer. His subconscious was sitting on that desk, now, while Duo suddenly found himself standing next to himself. Things appeared to be frozen in time, and they were the only two moving. Which was a good thing, 'cause it could get really confusing with 3 versions of him running around.  
  
Then his subconscious pointed to the officer and said, "That's him..."  
  
"Bastard's finally get his chance to kill me, then?" Duo wasn't pleased that the guy would get his way, but if he died in the end, he didn't have too many complaints.  
  
The doppelganger nodded, "Probably."  
  
Duo raised an eyebrow, "Probably..?"  
  
"Just because I predict it doesn't mean it will happen. I've been wrong... not often, though... " he shrugged his translucent shoulders. "But chances are, yes..."  
  
"...what were you just saying..?" Duo began rubbing his temples.. it was becoming hard for him to concentrate on the words. He felt tired, and like he didn't want to do anything but stare at the blurry world and not think about anything at all... because it was becoming hard to put conscious thoughts together.  
  
//Why my thoughts aren't so clear//  
  
Duo's subconscious's eyes widened, and he jumped off the desk and caught Duo before he fell over. "Damn.. I thought we'd have more time. It's the venom, Duo. I'm not affected, 'cause the higher brain functions always seem to get it first..." Duo tried to close his eyes and slip into unconsciousness... true unconsciousness, not this little trip he was having in his subconscious... but his double shook him awake.  
  
"Not a chance, Duo, my man. Like I said, I don't want to die, and since you're me, I can't let you die, either!" Duo tried to push his subconscious self away from him. Finally he'd get to sleep peacefully... or at least go to the Hell he deserved to be in.  
  
//Demons dreaming  
Breathe in, breathe in//  
  
Duo found himself in freezing water, which jolted him back into alertness. He fought his way to the surface, and took a deep breath in. The he looked around, and saw beach... a beach he'd only seen in s picture before. It was somewhere in Hawaii, 21st century AD... he remembered dreaming about this place once (of course, the dream turned into a nightmare, like all his other dreams...). He also spotted his subconscious sitting on the sand, grinning at him.  
  
Duo managed to swim to the shore, and dragged himself onto the sand, shivering. "Hawaiian beachs aren't supposed to have freezing cold waters!"  
  
His subconscious shrugged, "How would you know? We've never been there. Anyway, I needed something to wake you up... and since I've got some say in how things are in this place... I say those waters look cold."  
  
"Yeah, well, if I die of hypothermia now, it's all your fault!"  
  
"What makes you think I'll allow that?" Duo's subconscious helped him up. Once he was standing, Duo found himself completely dry. His head was still throbbing, though. He glared at his subconsious, "Why must you cling to life so much when everything we feel is pain...?"  
  
"Because human beings have a biological instinct to live, and the instinct is a part of me. Your pain is my pain, Duo, but that doesn't make me want to live any less. Of course, I don't have to deal with life at the level you do."  
  
"Why bother... if I'm going to.. die anyway?"  
  
"Did I mention I have your stubboness?"  
  
Duo sighed, and closed his eyes, rubbing his temples once more. "So.. now.. w-what?" he felt weak again, and fell. But when he landed, he didn't land on sand... then he felt someone slap him and he opened his eyes, seeing his subconscious sitting astride him. They were both on a bed... and his subconscious was completely nude.  
  
Before Duo had a chance to take all that knowlege in at once, his subconscious leaned forwards and their lips met. Taking advantage of Duo's complete shock, his subconscious slipped his tounge through Duo's parted teeth. Then he was shoved violently away, hard enough that he fell off the bed.  
  
"...oww.... that wan't necessary...." his subconscious mumbled from somewhere Duo couldn't see on the floor.  
  
"That... that... that's just sick and wrong!"  
  
"What is? We've maturbated before."  
  
"That's one thing.. this is another.... oh, that's just nasty!"  
  
Duo's subconscious's head poked up where Duo could see his face at the end of the bed, "Oh... we're not that ugly, are we?"  
  
"It's not your looks, it's the idea! Don't you find anything about that wrong..?"  
  
"Considering I don't have a sense of right or wrong, no." His now fully clothed subconscious stood up, "I thought awaking your lust might help you concentrate more.. since I will do anything to keep you up... and I thought turning myself into Heero would just depress you and make you angry with me. I forgot to take your sense of decency.. or morality.... into.. account..." His subconsiousness then winced and grabbed a bedpost to support himself, while the room started to blur.  
  
Duo's pain came back with a vengence. He felt needles go down throughout his arm. There was fire in his veins.. he clutched his head which felt like it was going to burst with the pressure... He managed to open his eyes, and saw his subconscious in a simular position, moaning. The bedroom had completely faded, and now they were in what appeared to be grey nothingness...  
  
Duo's subconscious started to speak, and Duo strained to hear him.. "I can't do it anymore... it's too much! ... I can't concentrate... Duo.... " his voice was getting weaker. "Duo before I go.. I'll warn you... when we die... our life will flash before your eyes.... I told you we'd get to seeing your parents... well, pay attention... 'cause this is going to be your chance... after that.. I don't know, Duo..."   
  
Duo met the eyes of his subconscious for a moment. They were so filled with pain... then his subconscious squeezed his eyes shut and cried out his name, before he exploded into a cloud of shimmering color. The color was drawn into Duo, and he looked back down at his skin which was no longer black and white as it had been, but the normal color of flesh... But he didn't have much time to marvel at it before the pain intensified further. Duo screamed, and his eyes fell shut, and for a moment, there was peace...  
  
//I'm coming back again...  
I'm not the one who's so far away, when I feel the snakebite enter my veins,  
Never did I want to be here again,  
And I don't remember why I came//  
  
Then it began with the snake biting his arm. His memories started to play themselves for him, just as his subconscious said. It wouldn't be long now...  
  
---  
  
Heero had been surprized to learn Duo had abandoned his business... He became seriously alarmed when he entered where Duo had last registered as his living place when he'd gotten his driver's licence renewed.  
  
The place was tiny and completely filthy. There was fast food laying all over the place, but it'd hardly been touched.. a far cry from the Duo whom he knew to devor anything edible in his sight. From the way some of it smelled when he passed by, it had been there for awhile.  
  
He called out Duo's name, and looked everywhere in the apartment. There was no trace of him, or anyone else, nor were there any clues to where he possibly could be. Hilde definately didn't live here with him, which would have pleased him had he not been so scared... yes, him, the perfect soldier, scared.  
  
The only thing that might have held the secret was Duo's journal, which Heero had found laying on top of a heap of junk that was on top of what was probably a coffetable in front of Duo's small TV. Thinking Duo would understand, Heero flipped it open to the last entry.  
  
He was in disbelief at what he read there. The handwriting was definately Duo's... but the words sounded nothing like him. He flipped backwards some, to figure out how Duo had fallen into such deep despair...  
  
If he thought he'd been shocked before, he had never been so wrong in his life. He skimmed the first pages. The messages written there were pure Duo-isms. Then Duo began to speak about something knawing at him, and how he felt abandoned by the other Gundam pilots at times...... and then came the entry that ended, "I love Heero Yuy, there isn't any other way to explain this, except for that I love Heero Yuy... why did it have to be him? He doesn't feel for me... why did I fall for the person farthest from my reach?"  
  
'If only I'd known... If only I hand't been so cowardly.. If only I'm listened to my own advice about doing what your feelings told you!' Heero cursed himself. The least he could have done was told Duo where he was, and talked to him now and then, so Duo wouldn't have felt so alone... except for.. oh shit.. Hilde would not have reacted well to this news.. that's probably why she was gone.. what had she.. or more precisly, they, done to Duo...?  
  
The next entry told of how Duo had told Hilde, and described how she'd responed. He had considered her his last true friend left, and the her words had crippled him... Which is when the entries took a turn for the worst, and they were spread out.. like Duo had little intrest in the journal anymore. Later he would write, "I don't know why I continue to torture myself by writing all this shit down. It only makes it hurt worse..."  
  
Mostly, the entries were about how much pain Duo was in. But there were snipets here and there of what actually happened that day, but they were more of sidenotes. "Closed scrap business" "Got a new job." "Went to work, suffered, came back." Heero was somewhat relieved to see that Duo did not talk about any plans for suicide... though that didn't mean he wasn't going to attempt it... a revelation which just made Heero work faster  
  
Heero checked the last entry again (which was dated today), to see if it made any more sense now. The last line was "Maybe I'll go 'find my true self' today after work." That was the only referance to what Duo would actually be doing... Duo had never metioned where he'd worked, so Heero furiously went through the entires again. The biggest clue was: "If it wasn't for employee dicounts, I'd be starving... not that I'm ever hungry.."  
  
Heero looked around him. All the food laying around was chiefly from one fast food chain... Tucking the journal into his jacket pocket, Heero ran for his car to check it out.  
  
---  
  
He drove so quickly he nearly missed it. But in the corner of his eye, a sign caught his attention, and he slowed. He read it under his breath, "Feeling Lost? Find your true self, Details inside" ... Didn't Duo say that he was going to find his true self at the end of his last entry?  
  
Heero hurridly parked his car and ran to the door of the place with the ad, his sense of urgency and dread growing with each step that he took. A quick scan of the main rom told him Duo wasn't there, so he headed for the door, despite the woman at the desk telling him "You can't go back there!"  
  
He was in a hallway, with two doors, one to the left and one to his right. Having a feeling he'd need to see what was behind both, he tried the one on the left first. He saw cages with snakes inside. All of them were silverheaded diamondbacks... but Duo wasn't there either, so he shoved aside the two men who'd come to drag him forcibly away and tried the next door.  
  
Inside was about ten cots, 6 of which were occupied, and one guy sitting watch over all of them. Then he heard a weak little moan, and his attention was drawn to a dark corner, and there he saw Duo, drenched in sweat and pale. While everyone else on the cots appeared to be sleeping peacefully, Duo was groaning and restless, obviously in pain.   
  
Heero ran to his side, and carefully he picked Duo up, who was much lighter than he should have been. Duo whimpered when he was moved, but did not wake. Heero whipped around and his eyes dared the four conscious people on the room--the woman from the front dest, the two who'd tried to stop him eariler, and the man who had been watching over the room-- with his eyes to try to stop him. "What did you do to him..?" he practically growled at the four.  
  
"With his concent, a snake bit him.. he was supposed to be administered the antivenin before it got this far!", the woman glared at the man who'd orginally been in the room. Heero then saw the two bloody mark's on Duo's arm, and a red line going from there, heading for his heart.. but Duo's shirt obscurred how far the line had gotten. The man accused looked like he was going to say something, but immediately Heero demanded, "Where's the antivenin?!"  
  
The woman ran for the refrigeration unit in the room, opened it, and pulled out a syringe. She didn't have any extras, the other five needed to be used for the five customers left, and at this stage one injection could only slow the venom down. She told Heero as much when she gave the shot to Duo.  
  
Once she removed the needle he said, "Come with me." and ran for his car. He needed someone to watch Duo as he drove to the car, and since she appeared to be the only one with brains and who was interested in keeping Duo alive, he was the only one he would risk trusting with that task. He ignored, for now, the person who'd neglected to give Duo the antivenin... only Duo's life important now. Still, he burned that man's face into his memory.  
  
To his mild surprize, the woman did come with him, and when he put Duo in the backseat, she entered in the other side. He took off for the hospital... it was a damn good thing he'd studied maps of this area when he'd flew to this L2 colony... Duo's increased moaning made him push the car harder, going way above the speed limit.   
  
Halfway there he heard the woman's paniced shout, and when he looked, Duo had gone into convulsions. She tried her best to keep him controlled enough so he didn't hurt himself... when Duo finally stopped, he fell silent. The woman checked his pulse, which was weak, but still there.  
  
'Duo... if you die now, I won't be far behind.' Heero thought to himself, 'I just learned that what I've longed for all along has been waiting for me... I will not let you die, Duo. I need you... just like I found out you need me.'  
  
They were at the emergency room, and the medical personnel took Duo's shaking, fevered body from them. Heero told them the type of snake which had bitten Duo, and gave them his medical insurance information since he didn't know if Duo had kept up any payments on his (he doubted it), and then all they could do was wait...  
  
"Do you only care about Duo's health as to not soil your business's name...?" Heero asked the woman while he stared at the doors the docotrs and nurses had disappeared with Duo.  
  
The woman paused, and sighing she responded, "I don't think I'll be able to return to my job, now... I just wanted to make some money... I never thought... in three years, never... Do me a favor..?"  
  
Heero turned and looked at her questionably, and she sighed, and handed him a card, "It's got my home number on there. Call and tell me if he makes it..." Then the woman started to walk off. Heero thought about it while he read the name on the card, Judith Parks. She seemed decent enough... and so he put the card in his wallet while he went inside to wait...  
  
---  
  
Heero sat next to Duo's hospital bed, waiting for him to wake up. Luckly, they'd gotten there in time to prevent nerve damage, though Duo would have to stay for a few weeks to recover. The doctors said that he should wake up anytime now... Heero wondered what he would say to Duo.. how could he begin..?  
  
His attention was immediately drawn to Duo's twitching eyelids. Duo opened his eyes, and looked at his surroundings, having no idea how he'd gotten there. Then he saw Heero on the chair... Duo suddenly felt an immediate high, followed by a huge crash when he remembered he actual chances with Heero. Yet he let none of it show on his face, and gave Heero a grin...   
  
There was something different about Heero... about his face. There was a softness to it Duo had never seen. Probably Relena nagging about looking so stonefaced all the damn time... that thought just brought him down lower, yet somehow he managed to say a cheery, "Hey Heero!"  
  
Heero knew Duo was faking it. He wouldn't have even needed to have ever read Duo's journal to know that. All the same, he held up the journal, to show Duo he had read it... the way Duo's face fell drove daggers into Heero's heart.  
  
Duo shrank away from Heero, and wouldn't look at him. Well, now Heero knew how disgusting he was. What had Hilde said..? A fucking shit-faced fag...? Heero was probably waiting here so he could punch Duo's face in for ever thinking about him that way.  
  
Suprizingly, he felt warm calloused hands wrap around one of his own. He heard Heero whisper from directly above him, "I can understand if you hate me for abandoning you..." Duo cracked open one eye to see Heero's beautiful blue eyes mere inches away from his. "But I love you..."  
  
Was he still hallucinating...? Duo couldn't believe it. When Heero's lips brushed his... Duo had to see if it was true... he lifted his head up into the kiss, and pushed his tounge against Heero's teeth demanding enterance. Heero did not expect that action from Duo... but he gladly let Duo explore his mouth, while Duo let him do the same, and he slipped his one arm not holding him up above Duo around the hospitialized boy. Heero let Duo be the one to break off the kiss, so Duo did not think he had any doubts. Then he sat back down in his seat right next to Duo's bed.  
  
Duo looked at Heero, bewildered. He'd never experienced the kind of trills that had gone through him during the kiss before... and Heero had let him... Heero had held him. Tears came into his eyes. It might have been because he was still so exhaused... maybe it was painkillers... maybe it was because something was right for the first time in his life... he broke down right there.  
  
"Duo...?! Duo, what's wrong..?" Duo could hear the panic in Heero's voice. He was worried! He cared! Duo just cried harder, and Heero lifted him into a sitting up postion and leaned over, and wrapped his arms around Duo, laying Duo's head on his chest (though Heero had to be careful not to pull out any of the IVs or monitors stuck into Duo's arms). Heero wasn't even sure it was the right thing to do... he'd never comforted anyone before... he just did what had hadn't been doing before.. he followed his emotions. Appearently, it wasn't the wrong thing to do, since Duo didn't try to push him away... but was he crying even harder now...?  
  
He let Duo cry for awhile, not knowing what else he should be doing... maybe this was just once of those things Duo had to get out of his system... He was extremly conerned, though.. He'd never seen Duo cry before.  
  
Once Duo calmed down, Heero asked again, "What's wrong..?" Duo started to laugh. Heero would have been afraid he was delerious or something else was seriously wrong, if Duo hadn't opened his eyes and Heero had seen that familiar spark of life and love he'd come to reconize as the essence of what was Duo.  
  
"Nothing's wrong, Hee-chan... for once, nothing's wrong!" Then Duo blinked heavily a couple of times...   
  
Heero noticed, "Duo, you should get some rest..." He gently laid Duo back down, and saw the worried look on his face. "I'm not going anywhere, Duo."  
  
While Duo felt weights in his eyelids... while he doubted he could lift his arm a foot from where it rested because he was so tired... he didn't want to sleep, and he told Heero as much. Heero thought a moment.. then remembering the card, he reached into his jacket and pulled it out. "This card is for you. Want me to open it for you...?"  
  
Duo nodded while he wondered who would send him a card. Heero opened it up, and showed Duo the front, which said "Get well soon" in fancy cursive letters with a picture of flowers in the background. Heero then opened it up and a check feel out into his lap. This just made Duo more curious... the only mail he ever got were people demanding money from him, so who would be giving him any? Heero ignored the check temporarily and read, "Duo, I can never make up what happened to you because of me. Please, just know I'm sorry. I included a refund. It's the very least I can do. Judith Parks." Then Heero examined the check... "It's for $1,000..."  
  
"Judith's.. that's woman's... name? ..I didn't.. pay that much..." Duo said slowly. Heero looked down at his love, "Sleep now, Duo. Think about it later." Duo was awake only up until the word 'think'.  
  
---  
  
Duo was having a very interesting dream.   
  
He was playing tug of war with a black dog with a leather collar that had a celtic design on it. Duo tugged a little too hard and the dog's teeth popped out. Duo felt really bad, and he put the dog's teeth back in for him. Then the dog told him his name was Max, and that if Duo played tug of war of him again, he was going to kick Duo's ass at it. Duo decided he did not want to play anymore with the dog, so he walked outside into the dark where immediately he found himself lost in the forest. Duo discovered a little elf who lived in a log cabin in the woods, and the elf called him a fag, which made Duo cry. Then Heero came and threw the elf into a wood chipper that just happened to be there, and Duo clapped and the dog laughed.   
  
Then Duo was on a beach in 21st Century Hawaii, and found himself staring at a translucent version of himself. Duo remembered about his hallucination, and looked at his subconscious, saying, "No nightmares...?"  
  
"Nope, no nightmares... can't promise no nightmares forever, but none now."  
  
"...you were wrong."  
  
"I was wrong about us dying, but not about what happened." Duo's subconscious smiled. "You know what I think...? I think it's going to work out for us and Heero."  
  
"Don't jinx it!"  
  
"You're just saying that because we didn't die, and you think because I say it's gonna happen, it means it's not. I'm not always wrong, you know. I'm right a hellavalot. You'd be dead sooo many times if I wasn't! Here.. I'll prove it to you!" Duo's subconscious examined Duo's face carefully, scrunching up his own in thought. Then he placed a finger in the middle of Duo's forehead, stating simply "Here".  
  
"What?"  
  
"You'll see..."  
  
---  
  
Duo had finally been released from the hospital a week ago. Throughout his recovery, Heero had been with him, and the bond between them had strengthened. The man who'd nearly killed Duo was arrested and later pleaded guilty to attempted murder. Once they tied up all the loose ends Duo had left on the colony (i.e. paid off Duo's bills, and letting Duo quit his job). Then they colony hopped to another L2 colony, to Heero's home. Duo was a little peeved because all the time Heero was about one colony over, but decided instead to think it was sweet of Heero to want to live close to him.  
  
When they walked in the door, a strangely familiar black ball of fur came running at them. Heero forgot to warn Duo about the dog, how immediately latched onto Duo's jacket and gave a tug. Duo tried to get it back, and having not been around many dogs, didn't know that this was just encouraging him. The dog yanked again, harder this time, and Duo started to lose his balace. Feeling a little slack on the jacket, the dog took of running, Duo being dragged along behind since his hand was tangled up in his coat and because he was still a little weak from his recover and didn't have the strength to plant his heels into the floor and stop the dog. The dog kept at a speed that kept Duo moving, but not so fast that Duo's feet slipped out from underneth him.  
  
"Hee-chan, help me!" Duo was dragged into the kitchen, where on the linoleum they both lost their footing and feel into a heap on the floor.   
  
Heero heard the crash, and cried "Duo!", but before he got to the kitchen he heard Duo's laughter. When he peered in the two of them, Duo had the dog on it's back, and was scratching his belly saying, "My jacket is not your plaything!" while the dog kicked one of it's legs in the air and panted in ecstasy. Then Duo stopped and grinned saying, "Heero, 'bout time you showed up!"  
  
The dog, released from the trance Duo had unknowingly put him in when he started to scratch him, bounded up to it's owner and jumped all over Heero. The dog liked Duo, since Duo was fun and had magic fingers. He looked up at Heero, the question, 'Can we keep him?', clearly displayed in his eyes.  
  
Heero patted the dog on the head a couple of times, to calm him down, and the dog went and sat down next to where Duo was sitting up on the kitchen floor, tail wagging.  
  
Heero walked over to Duo, "I see you've ment Max."  
  
"Max, huh..?" Duo had already guessed at the name, although he wasn't quite sure how he knew. He looked into the dog's playful eyes, and the dog cocked his head sideways, "I like him... although if he eats my jacket, you have to buy me a new one."  
  
"Duo..."  
  
Duo looked up at Heero's sudden very serious tone, "Something wrong..?"  
  
"I just want to give you this." Heero handed Duo the type of fuzzy box nice jewlery came in. Opening it, Duo found a white gold ring with a celtic knot design done in it. "Duo, I--" before Heero could finish, Duo threw his arms around Heero, simply saying "I love you."  
  
With a small smile, Heero pushed Duo gently away, and planted a soft kiss on the center of his forehead.  
  
~~~end  
  
SnK:Awww... my first happy ending in a serious fic....  
Hwoarang:That's digusting.  
SnK:Oh, shut your mouth. I told you people, I was drunk. What do you expect, genius?  
Hwoarang:Out of you? Never!  
SnK:... just shut up before I have to do something drastic, Hwoarang. I hope I don't make you avoid my work for as long as I use this penname because of this fic. By the way, I personally have never heard of a silverheaded diamondback snake. I made it up. If one really exists, then oh well! And forgive any other large holes in logic/plot. And if you don't know the songs, 'Judith' is what Duo's subconscious sings, 'Voodoo' is in the //...//   
  
Anyone waiting on the next part of Here Then Gone, don't worry, I'm on it. But I don't think you want me to write it while I'm having a hangover, no matter how minor, so you have to wait more... with that awful cliffhanger, too... sorry! Don't hate me, hate the person who spike a 10 year old girl's punch!  
  
And, please, review. Scream at me never to write while drunk and listening to music again... order me to write while under the influence more often. Yell at me for being as moraly bankrupt as I am. Just fill the little box down there with something... please????  
  
ps. I'm sure there are tons of spellings mistakes, and junk... more than usual. But I was proofreading 2-3AM... sorry, minna!  
  
  



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